The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
