Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
