I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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