dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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