did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
