My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
