running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
