The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She made me pour olive oil on her.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
