yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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