I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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