I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize
