She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
