Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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