I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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