he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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