I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
