one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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