you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
