If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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