He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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