I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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