My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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