things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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