i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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