I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
