im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize