I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
