Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
