Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
