Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
