It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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