the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize