I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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