I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
