So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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