My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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