Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
