That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
