I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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