im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
