his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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