I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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