So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm passing your future prison.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
