it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
