I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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