mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize