lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
