6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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