I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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