I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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