Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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