so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
