i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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