He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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