A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
