When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
pray to the hookup gods
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
