pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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