and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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