i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
