i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
