Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
