hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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