I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
