LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
