my sisters under your porch take her home
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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